The Euthanasia Rollercoaster

   Contrary to what Monday’s post caused some people to believe, I do not intend on dying anytime soon. I hope to die on a super intense rollercoaster one day when I’m like 200 years old at amusement park. I think that would be a cool way to die. Some people, however, have taken my prefered way of death to the extreme.

   The Euthenasia rollercoaster is not the kind of thing you find on most (if any) actual rollercoaster websites.  came across it a while ago cause some of my friends thought I’d find it interesting. My friends were right. It combines rollercoaters with the most mobid sci-fi stories. And, if society ever collapses and turns into a crazy dystopian future world, I really hope the murderous government kills people by rollercoaster instead of other torturous methods.

   Half of me is scared by the guy who invented this, and the othr half wants to laugh. Almost everyone who owns Rollecoaster Tycoon has intentionally killed their guests on rollercoaster at on point in time (an probably enjoyed it). This guy just wants to do the same thing in real life. Which is probably not the most productive thing he could be ding with his time.

The Waterslides They Want

   Holiday World is building a new water coaster this year. Right next to the old water coaster of last year. The news of this attraction upset me, just like the Leviathan news upset me. But then I thought about the Koch family. I would never question a decision they made.

   “So why did they make this decision?” I asked myself.

   Then I read their reasoning. Their old water coaster was extremely popular. People loved it, but they did not love the long lines. When polled, the people wanted another, similar slide. So, in an effort to please the people and reduce lines, Holiday Wolrd is building a similar ride to the one they built the year before. I should know. I’m the one who likes to find something I love and then stick with it until it becomes a habit. Fortunately, the Koch family has developed the habit of building awesome things, and I look forward to Mammoth more than most new rollercoasters.

   Oh, and the fact that the new ride has a circular seating arrangement will ensure that the two ride experiences are at least somewhat different.

Magic Mountain Politics: Money > Fun

   Several years ago, Six Flags Magic Mountain was seen as “the ghetto” amusement park (when compared with Disney and Knott’s). Then, it went under new management that transformed it into a much cleaner, more family friendly park. The new management succeeded, and the park became cleaner as old worn down rides got rennovated and the sun came out and the birds sanghappy songs announcing a glorious new beginning.

   But then Magic Mountain went under new new management. And dark clouds loomed over the park once more. Reports came in about park representatives being rude and belittling guests. Rides got removed from the park . . . but the signs announcing their presence remained.

   Which brings us to the present state of Six Flags Magic Mountain, a theme park which has fully emraced the business the idea that every decision it makes should be monetarily motivated. Things haven’t gotten as bad as they used to be, but I fear that expansion without attention to quality could continue to cripple the park until it is no more than a vast metallic waste land that future gangs will battle to control. But I may be getting carried away.

   I wish Magic Mountain could keep things nice without having money be the only motivation. Then old rides like Colossus wouldn’t be sitting around getting rough and unridable while the management figures out a way to market a renovation as a brand new ride. And then we also wouldn’t be subjected to thousands of commercials while we are waiting in the long lines. But then again, the Koch family can’t run everything.

Little Amerricka

   Today, I want to shine the rollercoaster spotlight on a very special children’s amusement park. Trust me, this is a really great place. If I lived in Marshall, Wisconsin, I would take my budding rollercoaster enthusiast children to the park every week.

   First off, I would have them ride the classic old carnival rides like the Toboggan and the Roll-O-Plane. No matter how scared they are or how much they cry and scream. Why? Because one of these days, those pesky US safety regulations may shut these rides down forever, and then my kids will be able to brag and be like little hipsters to their friends. “I rode that ride before it was safe.”

   After I was done traumatizing my kids (for a while), I’d let them do what they wanted at the park. There’s some nice childrens’ rides, a train, and beautiful picnic benches where lunch can be eaten.

   And finally (but most importantly), I would take them on the Little Dipper so they could learn an important lesson about their own mortality. There is nothing really dangerous about the rollercoaster. At least that I’m aware of . . . it goes like 5 miles per hour. However, it is strategically placed next to a gigantic graveyard, so when you’re about to crest the lifthill, instead of being terrified because of how high you are, you become terrified with the knowledge that you are plunging very close to that sea of gravestones. And if you likve in Marshall, Wisconsin, you will probably end up in there for real one day.

    Then I’d take my kids home and we can talk about the happy times and life lessons we learned at Little Amerricka.

Yes, the lifthill is INSIDE of that skinny white cylider.

Alton’s Angry Neighbors

   If I ever went to England, the #1 place I’d want to visit is Alton Towers. It is a very unique theme park, whose greatest strength is also its greatest weakness. You see, the people that live around Alton Towers have a tendency to oppose everything that the park want to build . . . kind of like Donna Frye and Sea World. But unlike Seaworld, Alton Towers is in the woods. And due to all the neighbors’ complaints, all of the rollercoasters at the park must be built below the tree line.

   As a result, Alton Towers has built many awesome rollercoasters down into the earth, utilizing tunnels and ravines, and whatever creative ideas they can think of. So, a huge inconvenience forced Alton Towers to be a far more interesting park, with surprises around every corner. So, even though many of their plans for new coasters get shot down, the coasters that do get built turn out really well. So, looking at the new 2013 plans for what looks like a dueling looping coaster, we can only hope that it actually gets built.

The 5 Worst Water Park Attractions (for the lonely and antisocial)

   If you’re ever at a waterpark, chances are, you will find yourself in an awkward/frustrating situation. The only way to aviod this (and still ride everything) is to be in a group of exactly four guys who weigh over 200 pounds each. Here’s why:

1) Tornados, Bowls, and Tantrums: In order to use a good sized tube and have equal weight distribution, you must have exaclty four people in your group. Otherwise, your “pateneted cloverleaf” raft will have empty butt holes (holes meant for your butt to sit in). These holes just serve as a reminder that you should have more friends with you to fill those holes.

2) Mammoths: On these slides, more weight=crazier ride. If you have two or three skinny cheerleaders on a raft, they will have the most boring ride ever. However, if there are four linebackers on a raft, they will almost fly over the side of the slide (and have a great time doing it).

3) Lazy Rivers: It’s incredibly easy to feel sad or alone when you are by yourself on a lazy river. If you are with your parents or something, then it’s even worse (they’ll probably take the opportunity to talk to you).

4) Rockets/Master Blasters: These rafts also seat four. And at most parks, if you’re by yourself, you will be seated with strangers. A stranger’s feet will rest between your thighs and the handles you are supposed to hold onto. Solution: ride with four friends, or get used to feet.

5) Wave pools: There is no solution for this problem. Aviod wave pools at all costs. No amount of friends will protect you from the masses of kids and rude teenagers being hurled at you on manufactured waves. If you want a good wavepool, go to the beach.

New Ronald Reagan Theme Park Coming Soon!!!

   Super exciting announcement from the Young American’s Foundation today: The Reagan Ranch will soon be transformed into a massive Theme Park entirely themed to Ronald Reagan and his extraordinary achievements. If plans go well, the park will be called Rancho del Cielo, and it will open for the summer of 2014.

   “We always thought that Rancho del Cielo was a great name, and with our plans for the future it will have an even greater meaning. Not only will you feel like the Ranch is a part of the cielo, or the heavens, but you will also be able to reach the heavens on our gigantic rollercoasters.” a spokesperson said at the press conference at the entrance to Reagan Ranch.

   According to the first phase of the plan, the park will open with three major sections:

   1) A family section based on Reagan’s film career: Rides will include The Big Gipper,  classic family coaster; The Santa Fe trail, an interactive (and educational) dark ride; and Cowboy Roundup, a western-themed scrambler. There will also be a theater in this area that will play all of Reagan’s movies on a loop.

   2) A thrill ride section themed to partisan politics: Rides will include Blue Fall (an Intamin Drop tower), The Filibuster (the longest stand-up coaster in the world), and the Trickle-Down Log Flume.

   3) The third section has yet to be announced, but we have all  but confirmed reports that all three sections will be united by The Great Communicator- a monorail that transports guests to different sections of the park.

    As you can tell, I’m very excited to see this amazing, thrilling theme park come to life. And most importantly, it will also be educational, and show young thrillseekers important Republican truths through the allegory of rollercoasters.

Cars Land

   I haven’t been to Disneyland in a while, but I’m hoping to go sometime this summer because of the huge expansion that’s getting ready to open at Disney’s California Adventure. Even though I’m not a big fan of the movies, I’m pretty excited about the land based on the Cars movies. Racing past cliffs through the desert is looking really awesome, especially given the fact that its all still in Aneheim.  The ride system on the main attraction is very similar to what was used on Rocket Rods in Disneyland many years ago. I never got to ride Rocket Rods before it closed, so its even more exciting for me. I cpuld go on and on, but if you really want to see more of what it’ll be like go to Westcoaster.

 

The Guys Over at [site banned]

   I remember when I was in elementary school and I would scour the internet for websites that gave me information about rollercoasters. I’d spend hours on the Roller Coaster Data Base just clicking the random rollercoaster button. Then I started building model coasters, and the Sscoasters forums became my new obsession. And that opened the door for me to join forums on other coaster websites. They were all super nice at first. I was always under the impression that some of them worked together, and others had friendly rivalries. But over time, it seems like any alliances have been broken and the friendly rivalries are no longer friendly.

   I still go to all those websites, and there are people I like at all of them. But I find it kind of ridiculous when I’m reading some thread about a park, and users can’t share information if it comes from one of the other coaster websites. And then the conversations start looking like this:

How was the event?

It was cool, but I didn’t like the Q & A.

What happened at the Q & A?

You should see what the guys at [site banned] said about it.

   And, unless you know about all the rollercoaster websites and their rivalries, you will be thoroughly confused. So here’s my summary of the current coaster website rivalries:

   1) Theme Park Review hates Thrill Network, disapproves of Westcoaster, and has a rocky relationship with RollercoasterPro. They block Thrill Network and Westcoaster. If you try to type in rollercoasterpro, it shows up as websitefullofdouchbags. They are the biggest site, so naturally the have the most rivalries.

   2) Westcoaster used to be a sister site to Theme Park Review (I think). As of now, TPR struggles to maitain good relations with parks, and Westcoaster says whatever they think, even if it’s negative. To my knowledge, they don’t block anybody.

   3) Thrill Network has a seething hatred against Theme Park Review (probably because all the guys who were banned from TPR seem to go to Thrill Network). They block Theme Park Review.I’m sure I’m missing some and misinterpreting others, but you get the point.

   I’m sure I’m missing some things and misrepresenting others, but you get the point. All these rivalries are kind of funny to watch from the outside, but there are a lot of people getting hurt by them. And I hope one day they’ll all stop.

Still Mad About Leviathan

   After most new coaster announcements, there is a wave of excitement as rollercoaster fans getting all happy. It is immediately followed by a wave of complaints as those same fans look at the details of the rollercoaster and find things that they do not like. Complaints like:

   ”I HATE over the shoulder restraints!” or

   “It’s too short!” or

   “An aquatrax would have gone better in that location!”

    I’m not complaining immediatley after the announcement like most people. I’m complaining way after the announcement. And this is my complaint (filled with anger and misspellings and capital letters):

   I’m still mad about Leviathon. Not only is there another rollercoster (Behemoth) JUST LIKE IT in the same park, but it’s FINAL BREAK RUN towers over the FIRST DROP of one of the park’s other major rollercoasters. Furthermore, why call a rollercoaster Leviathan (after a creature that lived in the water), and NOT have it have a water splash section? At least the water section would have made it a lttle different than Behemmoth. It’s like if a family adopted a kid and loved him so much that they cloned a slightly bigger a better version of him to love more.

   So, in all seriousness, Leviathan will be open this summer in Canada’s Wonderland. If you can, you should go ride it. But then go ride Behemoth and Dragon Fire because they’ll probably be feeling a little inferior.