Gay Friends are the Best Friends

   To start things off, I just want to say that some of my best friends are homosexually gay. This post includes them, but it is directed more toward my heterosexually gay friends.

   You’re probably thinking, “What in the world do you mean by heterosexually gay?!!”

   Well, in the previous phrase, the word gay does not describe a sexual orientation. It describes the way certain people behave around members of the same sex. For example, if you’re a guy and you’re comfortable enough around your friends that you regularly “Qaddifi” each other, then I would call that gay. But it would not reflect your sexual preference at all. Well, to me at least.

   So, using our new definition of “gay,” I am unashamed to say that I love living in an environment where everyone is super gay. Around gay friends, there is nothing awkward about hugging or saying “I love you” or . . . dare I say . . . spooning. You know for a fact that when you’re around gay friends you can be yourself and talk about what’s on your mind without having to worry about being viewed as weird. And conversations can and will end in a hug.

   You may or may not be thinking, “This guy probably has a weird obsession with hugs cause he was neglected and unloved as a child.”

   You may or may not be right. But I stand by the title of this post. Gay friends are the best friends. And they’re the only ones I’ll really open up to.

Dry Bones (Gungor)

   Sometimes in the winter, it is midnight and even though I’m tired and I have a lot of work to do, all the emotional things I struggle with keep me from thinking straight. Then, I’ll go out into the dark and cold and run as fast as I can through the woods. And whenever I’m running during these times, this is always the song that blasts its way through my head.

 

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The Obstacle of Obstacles

   I hate over thinking everything. But I do it all the time. Especially when it comes to stuff about God. Whenever I ask for God’s guidance in something, it usually works out like this:

God, I think I want to do this. I think You might want me to do this. But I don’t want to do it if it’s just me who wants to do it…

   Nothing happens to lead me one way or another, so I end up doing it very hesitantly. I am usually met with moderate success, but it never has an overwhelmingly positive or negative effect. So I start overthinking it again, and considering all the events that led up to me doing whatever it was I thought God wanted me to do.

   Whenever there are obstacles, and lots of things stand in the way of what I want to do for God, I see it two different ways:

1) God is trying to stop you, or

2) The Devil is trying to stop you

   Whenever there are no obstacles, and everything works out perfectly, I see it two different ways:

1) God helped everything go smoothly, or

2) The Devil (or my mind) allowed me to fall into a trap.

   I have no clue what’s the right way to think is. But I do know that obstacles have no bearing on whether we are supposed to do something or not. How do you handle obstacles in your life?

What Now?

   I like to plan ahead.

   This fact is made even more clear when you realize that I wrote this blog post in July and scheduled it for Monday, August 8. But this has become a problem for me. I plan things, and I expect things. And then when they don’t happen, I get thrown into a weird funk where I become depressed and unproductive. It takes a lot for me to get out of these funks (though a drill instructor screaming at me would easily do the trick).

   You know what the easiest may to not get in these weird moods? Do everything God wants you to do, the second He wants you to do it. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have plans. That just means that we should go back and forth worrying if our plans are going to work or not. We should just do what we feel God is leading us to do, and if it doesn’t work out, then learn your lesson then. Because, if there’s one thing God does NOT want you to do, is stress about all the decisions you make. If you do that, then every decision you make will be a bad one, no matter what you choose.

   It’s kind of like that lukewarm church analogy in the Bible. And the place where God says that man plans his ways but God directs his steps. So I need to keep thinking of this when I’m planning stuff. That way I don’t stress when I make decisions. And if they don’t turn out the way I hoped, I can see that God actually made my plans better.

Forever… for now

   During the last few days of school, I start worrying about finals and packing and everything else I have to do before I go home. My sleeping time gets cut in half. This is a problem because I am a paranoid sleeper. If I have less than an hour to rest, I won’t rest because I can’t get over the fact that I have to be somewhere in less than an hour.

   But, during these past few days, I’ve occasionally been able to trick myself. I will go to bed at 3 am, knowing I have to wake up at 4 am. Then, I’ll set my alarm. And then set another alarm for five minutes later. Once I’m sure I’ll be woken up on time, I start my weird mind games. I’ll imagine that I have nothing to do… for the rest of my life. That I’ll be able to spend the rest of eternity sleeping to my heart’s content and taking things as slow as I want. Which makes feel at peace and fall asleep faster.

   I realized that the same principle helps me interact with people. When I’m constantly thinking about how a certain someone I admire is going to leave soon, then I get all upset and none of our interactions ever leave me content. And then when they actually leave I’m left with a horroble feeling of incompleteness. I never enjoy being with someone unless I’m sure they’re going to be there as long as I want them to be. So I have to trick myself. They will be here forever, and we will be happy. It makes the time go by more happily, and I don’t develop any expectations of a grand and meaningful goodbye.

   I think God created us to stay together. A lot of times I wish that modern civilization would end when I’m around the greastest number of people I love. Then we’d all be forced to live in the same area, and we’d never be threatened by jobs or cars or planes or anything else that snatches us away. I know heaven will be free of these threats, but until then, I just have to keep pretending that momentary peace will last forever. That way I can enjoy it and not spend the time being nervous about how short it lasts.

A Brand New Toilet Seat

   Story #1: Yesterday, my stepdad got a brand new toilet seat.  I went to the bathroom, and I was like, “Whoa, a new toilet seat! Am I the first one to use it?” Then my stepdad yells back, “No, I already used it.” I couldn’t see cause I was in the bathroom, but I’m sure he was laughing at me.

   After I used the bathroom, he was like, “How come you’re not afraid to use the toilet seat, but you’re afraid to use my deoderant?” Which brings me to story #2.

   Story #2: I didn’t take deoderant with me home for spring break. I thought I had more in my house. I didn’t. When my stepdad found out, he offered me his. However, his deoderant isn’t the spray kind. It the gel kind that you have to put directly on your skin. The thought of using his deoderant was enough to make me believe in cooties again. And, my stepdad being the weird person that he is, still doesn’t see the problem with it.

   My stepdad’s probably right, but I still have this hangup with things that are liquid. I’m not germophobic or anything. In fact I love coming home after a long day of working hard all covered in dirt and whatever else I’ve been doing. However, when it comes to things like drinking from a cup someone else has used, I become extremely hesitant. I’m getting over my hangups with liquid though. And I think that once I can get over it with my stepdad, I’ll be over it with everyone else too. Oh, and I still feel like being the first person to use a toilet seat.

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Old people and entitlement

   Warning: I am not condoning kids to be rude to adults or anything, but it still really bothers me when adults complain about “entitlement”

   A lot of times, old(er) people say things like, “Man, back when I was a kid, we had more respect. All the teens these days expect parents to give them everything in life. They need to learn that they are not entitled to get anything.”

   My mind always has two reactions. The first one’s a thought that goes something like, “If you don’t believe in entitlements, then donate your social security check to charity.” The second, and more imprtant thought is… well, more important. I don’t know about other kids or teenagers, but the only reason I feel entitled to get stuff from adults is because I feel they have failed me in some way. For example, I have tried on numerous occasions to reach out to my biological dad and get him to talk to me or be around more or anything. He, however, is not interested in emotional bonding, though he is willing to give me money. Therefore, I take what I can get.

   I gladly accept the money he gives me, and spend it on movies, tv shows and music that cover up the gaping hole that was caused by my dad’s not being there. My mom accepts the child support checks, and then helps me pay to get a book published, which will hopefully get the attention of some christian man who would want to be my father. I know this idea doesn’t apply to everyone, but for the most part, I’ve noticed that when parents complain that kids have too much disrespect when asking for things, it is because those kids are compensating for the one thing parents don’t give anymore: a close, loving relationship.