A Suicide Note

   To the christian community:

   At first I was scared that you would react angrily and violently against my personal struggles. But when I shared them with you, I was greeted with warmth and acceptance. I liked that at first. But I slowly learned that the acceptance was, for the most part, fueled by apathy. You have said on numerous occasions that my sin is like a disease, and that is why you still love me. But when someone you love is sick, you go and visit them to make sure they’re doing okay. You’re not afraid to hug them. You spend as much time as you can with them because you fear that the disease might get the better of them.

   To the gay community:

   You told me that you were accepting of everyone. You said that I had a right to do whatever I wanted with my life. Then I told you that I wanted to fight my sexual orientation. With a confused look and a discontented sigh, you withdrew from me even further than the people at church. The only time I ever see you anymore is when you rise up to mock the faith I that gives me hope. I understand that you have been hurt, but you use that hurt to fuel a hatred that tears everyone down, whether they are on your side or not. You have become so focused on winning political battles that you have begun to inflict the same deep hurts that make people like me want to end everything.

   To my friends:

   Your hugs made me feel safe. The conversations we had made me feel loved. Don’t feel like you weren’t enough to keep me here. It wasn’t your fault. By the time I met you, I was already too far gone.

   Good bye.

Adoption Day

   There are two countries. They used to be one country, until a brutal civil war broke out (like what happened with North and South Dakota). Because of this, both countries have their independence day on May 7^th. However, they celebrate their independence days very differently.

   One nation is super strict . . . like Old Testament Amish strict. The other nation is very liberal . . . like have sex with everyone and experience everything you can kind of liberal.

   The strict nation has a very strong sense of community perpetuated by the close-knit families who live there. The liberal nation is full of individuals who try anything to make them feel good and avoid those who make them uncomfortable.

   And every May 7^th, the liberal nation erupts into a massive party where everyone puts their deepest desires into overdrive. At least until the next day when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Meanwhile, in the strict nation, they celebrate what they call, “Adoption Day.”

   Instead of celebrating their national identity being all prideful and patriotic, the strict nation makes a point to let every other nation know that their doors are open to whoever is willing to accept their rules. The strict nation’s culture has evolved to the point where nearly every family adopts a kid at one point. Boys and girls think about adopting kids long before they consider having any of their own. And every Adoption Day, neglected kids from the liberal nation pour into the strict nation. They are immediately received into the open arms of loving families. They are willing to accept the rules because they know that with the rules comes a love they have never felt before.

Down in the Valley (The Head and the Heart)

   If Mumford and Sons didn’t exsist, The Head and the Heart would be in the running for my favorite band. This is my favorite song from them, and it nicely concludes this week’s theme of habits and love and stuff.

 

The Loving Embrace of Unshakable Habits

   I love my habits. They are the imaginary guidelines that my imaginary father has set forth for me. If I stray too far from my daily routine, I will get scared and stressed out. Which unfortunately happens a lot.

   When Subway runs out of meatballs . . . momentary flash of fear as I try to figure out what to order now.

   When a professor changes the format in which homework is due . . . indignation as I mentally prepare myself for this new system.

   When the person who always sits in the same study room as me in not there . . . instant depression as I feel like they might not like sitting in the same room as me.

   I cling to my habits like my life depended on them, but there is one thing that can make me let go of them right away. There have been two cases in my life where I’ve stopped biting my nails. Both involved me meeting someone I loved. I stopped because I knew that those people wouldn’t like me biting my nails. But then they moved away and I started again. Same thing happened at Subway. I’d always get American cheese until someone I really cared about forced me to get Pepper Jack because “Pepper Jack Cheese is the best kind of cheese.” Now I always get Pepper Jack cheese.

   You too can be like the Pepper Jack Cheese guy. Because if there’s one habit that I can’t break, it’s the habit of loving things that people that love me love. Now read that last sentence over again. I promise it makes sense.

Head Full of Doubt/ Road Full of Promise (The Avett Brothers)

   This song sums up my experience with politics in ten words, and then goes on to much more important topics.

 

 

The Founding Fathers were Pansies

   If you ever watch the news  with the members of the conservative community, there will come a time (many times, actually) when the people around you shake their heads and mutter, “That wasn’t what our founding fathers intended.” And by that, they mean, “The founding fathers meant us to live in a nation where prayer and the Bible are promoted in schools and there is no gay marriage and things are all-around better.”

   And there’s no real way to argue with this. I’m sure the founding fathers were much more conservative than most people today. I’m sure many of them would not have liked the notion of gay marriage or prayer being banned from schools. However, the founding fathers knew that they were forming a new country when they were writing the Contisution, and they knew that unless they specifically stated something in the Constitution, the changing tide of people’s opinions would lead them to enact policies that they did not intend.

   I am of the firm belief that the founding fathers wrote into the constitution and the Bill of Rightsall the things they deemed especially important.

   You know what they deemed especially important?

   Separation of church and State

   You know what didn’t make the cut?

   ALL of the morally convervative issues based on the values of the church

   Who’s fault is that?

   I would say it’s the founding fathers’ fault. They were too cowardly to uphold their own morality in the Constitution. They spent so much time compromising and planning the logistics a country that worked well that they skimmed over the moral aspect of what drives a society. If I was planning a country, I would get rid of the whole “separation of chuch and state” nonsense. Everyone has an opinion about what is right and wrong, and those opinions will always carry over into political offices, no matter what politicians say. And if you can’t get a nation to accept Biblical morality (or some other clearly defined moral code of conduct), there will never be an end to the fight between liberals and conservatives. Both parties have to be standing to the same moral ground to come up with a good solution.

   If I fathered a country, the end of its Constitution would look like this:

* When interpreting the above document, use the Bible.

   Now that I think of it, I should probably end all my written statements like that.

Life Lessons from TV, the Bible, and Experience

1) Be good. Get a toy.

2) Do work. Get a gold star.

3) Eat your vegetables. Get dessert.

4) Stay quiet while Mom is working. Go to the movies later.

5) Get last place. Get a participation trophy.

6) Follow your heart. Your dreams will come true.

7) Follow your heart. You will go to hell.

8) Confide in your parents. Go to a counselor.

9) Have sex with a girl. Marry her. 

10) Be successful. Your father will love you.

Seen a Darkness (John Mark McMillan)

   John Mark McMillan is one of the biggest Christian artists with one of the least recognizable names. Many of his songs add fuel to the fire of me wanting to live in the South someplace. And this song always makes me a little happier and more hopeful.

 

The All-Consuming Internet

   I have to confess . . . for a long while now, I’ve had this secret desire for the internet to stop functioning altogether. It would mean the death of this blog, facebook, and everything else. But it would mean that so many other things would have new life.

   Face-to-face conversations with the people who love you, hugs, building things . . . they would all experience a brand new resurgence. And those are all the things I’ve ever really wanted. I see the internet like the ring in the Lord of the Rings, and it has extended its evil power over everyone. And if I could ever hold the internet in my hand, I would be willing to risk death and pain to destroy it in Mount Doom or whatever place would be powerful enough to destroy the internet.

   But for now, the internet exists, and I see no way of getting rid of it anytime soon. So I will try to keep using it to promote the good things I’ve always loved.

We are the Sin

   Once, a man committed adultery, and out of that adultery, a child was born. Except that it wasn’t just once. And it wasn’t just one man. Kids every day are being born out of sinful situations. If those kids are Christians, then one day they will be faced with a horrifying fact:

   If my parents hadn’t done anything wrong, I wouldn’t be here. I’m the result of my parents’ sin.

   I’ve had that thought several times, and it still makes me uncomfortable. It makes me crave some sort of closeness with God so He can explain how His redemption works and how He can be happy that I’m here and still be furious at the situation that brought about my existence.